There's no such thing as a free lunch
- Apr 19
- 4 min read
Walsall (H) - EFL League 2 - 18th April 2026
There's too much unpleasantness in the world already, no need for a report - let's just have a chin wag.
"Hello, yes, do come in. Mind the step. Just grab a seat on the couch. Or take the chair if you'd prefer a more upright experience, only the springs have gone a bit on the left side, so forewarned is forearmed."
"No, I'm not expecting anyone else really. Walsall, who wants to read about that? But still, very good of you to come. I've got some tea in the pot and I'm sure I can rustle up some digestives. They might be the ones with the chocolate on, I'll have a look. I think there's a new packet somewhere."
"I was there with the chap who sent the message about the semi on at the beginning of Spillin' the Beans, a touch unnecessary, I thought. Him and Vintage Vernon Valentine, you know, from the wrestling article in Give ‘em Beans? He'd tried to get a rollover hotdog before kick-off but they'd sold out. Ended up with half a pipe of cheese and onion Pringles for his lunch. I thought, well, that sets the tone. And it did, really."
"Not for me either, I'd rather eat cold tripe, but I'd have been seething if I hadn't had my dinner. There are limits."
"I know, it gets quite echoey in here when there's no one in. It's the sparse decor, I think. There's not enough soft furnishings to absorb the sound, that's what it is. Barrow, barrow, barrow. Did you ever shout that in those tunnels on the low road to Dalton? Yeah, we all did, didn't we."
"A pint at the Brown Cow at the end? Yes nothing better on a summer's evening, really. You don't realise at the time. That's the thing, isn't it, you never do."
"Well, I don't think anyone else is coming, so shall we just crack on? No offence, but I'm not going to write a full report just for you, so we'll just have a chat, yeah? Chew the fat. I find that's often better anyway. More honest, somehow."
"You know, we hype these things up, and I mean, fair play to the club for doing it, but how many games have you been to where there's a big crowd in, it's a big occasion, and we just fall flat? I think there's a word for it, but I can't bring it to mind. It'll come to me later, probably when I'm trying to sleep."
"Oh, so you're not a fan of the Leon Knight version then?"
"Yeah, he looked like he'd teleported here from Valhalla, biceps like barm cakes, built like the proverbial brick outhouse. Rose looked like Rick Moranis next to him. Ha, yeah, or Ronnie Corbett. It's not his fault, is it, being small. Nobody chooses that. Do you want another digestive? Just open the window if it's getting a bit stuffy. It gets the sun in the afternoon, which is nice in principle."
"First fifteen minutes, we weren't bad. Fletcher should have buried that chance, though. At least hit the target. You practise all that, presumably. By all means shove him up front for the last ten if we need a goal, but we had two strikers on the bench. Ha, yeah, I heard that too. Put it completely out of action."
“We're about as reliable as a Vauxhall Viva on a cold winter morning sometimes, annoying the neighbourhood with each bark of the engine.”
"Well, we rather capitulated after that, didn't we? Great save from Stanway in that one-on-one, but where was the defence? I know, we've proved three at the back doesn't work time and time again. It's almost impressive, in its way. Like a recurring dream you keep having."
"Well, he didn't cover himself in glory there, spilling the ball. But it had been coming, you could feel it. However it was the second goal before half time that killed us. Yes, it could have been even worse. And yet somehow that's not a comfort. You'd think it would be."
"I saw loads of people leaving at half time as well. Not even worth the free ticket I guess. Although I suppose they got out before the third, so perhaps they knew something."
"You still have hope if you can grab a quick goal early after the break. That's what you tell yourself. It's a reasonable thing to tell yourself. No, you're right, we didn't look like scoring"
"They could have been tired after Tuesday I suppose, it was a monumental effort. You just feel we had to win today. But then, I've been saying that for weeks, and we're still in with a chance. Just about."
"Three-nil sealed it, really, didn't it. I felt like walking out at that point. It's only the fact I was going to do a match report that kept me there, if I'm honest. That and not wanting to get caught in Ian Allington's lens edging out early. Those things have a tendency to stick"
"Malcolm and Hemmings? Yeah, they both looked lively when they came on. Was an assured finish by Malcolm for his goal. Too little, too late, though, I'm afraid. Still, it could be important with the goal difference, or am I clutching at straws? Probably clutching at straws."
"I don't do permutations, but it's looking bleak which ever way you arrange it. With the best will in the world, I can't see us getting anything at Cambridge. A friend of mine said we'll go down easier then Buttercup Syrup"
"If it comes down to the Newport game? Well, what do you think?”
“Me too”
"Thanks for coming anyway. It's meant a lot, having someone to talk to about it. You forget, sometimes, that other people care as well. Sorry no one else turned up, I don't know what to say about that, really. Safe journey home, mind how you go. I'll see you at Newport, then. Yeah. Newport.
"We'll carry on carrying on. You've got to, haven't you”
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